Freak Out #1

I didn't post during my freak out because I was, well, freaked out. I cried leaving Aspen, driving over that tremendous pass, nothing but alpine tundra and huge sky and tiny mountain wild flowers. In fact, the crying was nothing new. I cry every time I leave Aspen, but this time was different. This time marked the end of a long string of very independent years of solo hikes and the freedom to wander and associate and explore as I please.

Now that I'm over my freak out, this fast-approaching launch into motherhood seems both welcome and manageable. But for a full 36 hours, I was in a state of shock, triggered with grief, saying goodbye to the me I've known all my life. Of course the Buddhists would say that the very concept of a "me" is itself an illusion, a fabrication, a story we create every day to give us a (false) sense of stable identity and permanence, and I know this is essentially true. Even so, I've grown quite fond of and attached to this particular illusory self of myself.

So I'm in the midst of a big letting go into motherhood, into a responsibility that, yes, will crimp the freedom I have known. And... a big letting go into a new stage of life and growth I couldn't possibly know any other way than by taking this plunge. My friend Sarah says motherhood is like jumping out of an airplane for the first time, 2000 feet in the air, standing on the lip of that open door, exhilarated and of course terrified. Or there's the metaphor of jumping off a cliff. Although, as my friend Anita reminds me often: There is no cliff. Only a next step, and a step after that, and maybe a jump, yes, and I jump and gravity coaxes me down, and I land, grounded, in a new place.

In the summer of 1987, I was 25 and had just finished my rookie year of teaching at Poly Prep in Brooklyn. I drove (solo) up to Troy, New York for a big Women's Studies conference. That's where I had a symbolic dream in which I leaped off a platform in outer space and found myself free-falling through the blackness of the universe. Talk about a letting go of identity! Of everything! Falling, frightened, falling. Then suddenly I remembered to breathe. Breathe, Lisa, remember simply to breathe. As I did, I was buoyed up. I floated, and I could feel an invisible force carrying me, akin to being cradled. I looked around and noticed the glitter of stars.

Meaning? Your guess is as good as mine. I've taken this to signify that I always have the means within me to right myself, to see myself through any situation. All it takes is some loosening up, some letting go and relinquishment, some faith and trust in the most natural of processes, like breathing, like change. In the flying dreams I've had since, it's always my breath, my relaxing into the moment, my acceptance of the unfamiliar, that's key to flight.

Inner resources aside, I count my blessings for the external support of friends, including my colleagues at school. During the 36-hour freak out --What in hell am I doing? A single mom: am I crazy? What have I gotten myself into? This feels like assigning myself to jail! I'll suffocate! I'll be annihilated! -- I posted on Facebook asking for a reality check. Here's a sampling of thoughtful, kind responses.

Lisa: Suddenly struck with tremendous mixed feelings about Mamahood and what I'm getting myself into--from happy anticipation to stabbing fear to grief over the loss of my independence. There are upsides, right? July 24 at 10:18pm

Kelly: Many, many upsides. As someone told me: you love your child, and then you get to fall in love with them too. July 24 at 10:27pm ·

Laura: The ambivalence is part of the process--for all parents. But yes, it's upside. You won't even remember what you did with that independence--or care. I promise. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. ♥ July 24 at 10:43pm ·

David: Quite simply: it is worth it. And it is only a partial loss of some aspects of independence. Pack some extra stuff an bring him along! July 24 at 11:08pm ·

Candace: You got the motherhood thing right....and you'll be a great mom...but things will be different... And that's a good thing. July 25 at 1:20am ·

Carolyn: You'll grow. July 25 at 9:18am ·

Wendy: Not going to lie--there are things you'll always miss about independence but the love you'll have for your child (even when they're having tantrums and not sleeping, ever!;) will still outweigh those missed moments. July 25 at 9:54am ·

Linda: Parenthood involves many sacrifices, not just loss of independence, but also thwarted plans, lost days, and sleepless nights. My advice, if you were to ask, would be (1) keep your sense of humor primed. You'll need it! And (2) lower your standards in every dimension of your life. My motto became "alive at 25 and I've done my job!" July 25 at 9:04pm ·

Catherine: It's amazing how much you will learn and how much you already know. July 25 at 9:37am ·

Cara: Countless upsides. You'll fall in love and won't be able to imagine life without Daniil. With all its challenges, raising Scott is the best thing I've ever done. Lisa, you are going to be a fabulous Mom. In fact, you already are. All you have to do is be yourself. July 25 at 10:11pm ·