Developmentally on Track

My 5 year old proposed to me tonight as I was putting him to bed. "Mama, can we get married?" After some discussion, we are officially "pretend married" and I will love Danya for better and for worse--as his forever and devoted Mom.

Here's Daniil in Denver last week.

At Ballet

Daniil stages short ballet performances in the living room most evenings, after the staged horse races, of course.  He insists he dances better than Misha Baryishnikov.  And he's been urging me to email Daniil Simkin (Russian-born, Germany-raised dancer now with the American Ballet Theater) to inquire if we can meet him in New York City.  I'm happy to nurture this interest for as long as it lasts. And I'm doing my darnedest to ward off the cultural perception that ballet is for girls.  "You are such a strong and graceful dancer, Daniil." 

5 Years Old

Playing "Old"

[Haven't yet figured out how to rotate this photo] The kids were awful quiet, an ominous sign. This time, however, nothing was broken (piano keys) or painted (D's penis) or hurt (Lulu the cat).  Instead, Danya and Eve had found their way into the upstairs closet and dug out the toy Christmas candy canes.  They hobbled into the kitchen, leaning on their canes. 
         "What're you doing?" Annie and I asked.
         "We're playing Old," the kids said.
         "We're a little old couple," Danya said.
         "And these are our children," Eve explained, holding up her baby doll.
         "We're going back to the hospital now," Danya concluded.  Then they turned and shuffled away.

Going to Sleep

(In the dark, before falling asleep.)

D:  Is that you, Mom?
L:  Mmhmm… It’s me.

L:  Is that you, Danya?
D: Yes, it’s me.

L:  I’m so glad.
D:  I know.
~
Star light
God light
Love light
Shine on Danya
Shine from Danya
Shine on all of us...
and all the wild ponies in Iceland
[last line courtesy of Daniil]

While Danya plays in the tub...

Boy’s in the bath
Mama writes a life line
back to something
of my own
~
We tap together the crowns
of our ice cream cones
a toast to good humor,
reprimands be damned
~
Your intentness—
“Shh, be quiet, please”—
watching The Jungle Book
for the first time, asking
to skip the scary parts
~
A hard plastic horse
A pot full of water
A serving spoon
You bathe the white horse
purposefully and then
let him loose, splashing
over the kitchen floor

Artist at Work

3 Poems, dicated by Daniil

A horse
Are you a horse?

A horse trots
A horse gallops
A horse sleeps
Horse, lie down

Danya rides Buzzy
Mama rides Bronzee
Caroline rides elephants
Baba rides giraffes
Pop rides nothing
Go, Pop, go

Dictated by Daniil Sjostrom
in the company of Caroline Kurpis and Mama
Simon's coffee shop
Mass. Ave., Cambridge

These days...

Christmas morning, two new horseslllllllllllll
ll
A true little story: Today Daniil and I visited the library, as we do most days when we're together. Danya chose a book on horse care, no surprise since he's all about horses these days. His favorite Christmas present hands down was the little toy race horse and jockey in blue riding silks. His favorite movies of late are National Velvet ("The race is very, very fantastic!" he says) and The Black Stallion, minus the scary parts. His riding lesson on Bronzee, a chestnut pony, marks a weekly high point. Danya posts on pony-back and chatters away with his teacher.
l
As I checked out the horse book and chatted with Kathi the librarian, Danya lay on his tummy in front of the desk, toy horse in hand, staring off in space. I suspected his unusual silence might be pregnant with something interesting.
l
"What are you thinking about, Danya?" I asked.
l
"Love," he answered.
l
Kathi's eyes welled up. She commented on what a sweet boy I have and how far Daniil has come over the past year. She recalled how shy and hesitant he'd been at first.
ll
"And what are you thinking about love?" I probed further.
ll
"You," Danya said, feet swinging side to side through the air. Kathi and I looked at each another and spontaneously drew our hands to our hearts.

I knelt down on the floor next to Danya and gave him a hug. "I love you more than anyone else in the whole wide... " I paused to allow Danya to fill in the blank. "Ocean!" he concluded. He promptly shifted the topic to horses and we paged through the book, sitting together on the floor, blocking a good half of the check-out desk, to learn about horse shoeing, horse combing, horse bathing, horse feeding. Stick to timothy grass and clover and avoid blue fescue at all costs.
l
Love and horses. That's what we're up to these days.

Movie Picks, Age 4.5

Feminist Perspective

First, let me supply an updated picture of the beautiful Danya since I haven't posted here in six (!) months. Here he is peeking out of the window of a choo-choo train at the Denver zoo back in July. My, has he grown, physically, socially, linguistically, you name it. Hopefully, I have as well as a mom with exactly one year under her belt.
l
I've been thinking about how to bring a feminist perspective to my mothering. How challenging to raise a boy in this still-too-gendered world where images of tough-guy masculinity continue to proliferate. Haven't we learned better by now? I know that some have, and I need to learn from them on my boy's behalf.
l
It goes without saying that I want Danya to be socially accepted, to have friends, to "fit in," but not if this means adopting a prescribed male role that limits both him and others. I also don't want him to feel guilty/badly about being a boy, about being white, about having priviliges in this world. And I don't want to disempower him, by any means. I want him to be incredibly powerful and influential on behalf of good and creativity and fairness and all that marvelous stuff that benefits everyone. I guess I want him to be aware of inequities and injustices that are placed on both girls and boys and then to make conscious choices out of that awareness. I know all of this sounds vague here at the start. I intend to read and write more as I go along.

4 Years Old!

Words

So many words, English coming on so quickly. And so many fabulous original phrases and observations, untainted by conventional manners of speech. I need to start writing these down, lest I forget.

"I'm getting tall!" Daniil says proudly, daily. "I'm making a man."

"I'm a cement mixer," Danya says in the bathtub, stretched out flat, rolling round and round in circles.

"Starfish!" Danya exclaims, pointing to the tiny crystals of white frost on my red car as he sees me off to work. It's 6:45AM and he's still in his pj's, standing in the driveway, waving, winter coat thrown on top.

l

"Skip, skip, skip to my lou... skip to my lou, my garlic."

l

Lying in bed in the dark, lights out before sleep, we play a "saying" game. "Mama say 'guitar,'" Danya directs me. I dutifully repeat after him. "Mama say 'saxophone'"... "Mama say 'ceiling'"... "Mama say 'Ya tebya lou-blue'"... "Ya tebya lou-blue," I say. (I love you, in Russian).

l

"Silly boy, Mama!"

"All By Myself!"

Twenty swimming lessons later, Daniil let go of the instructor's hand and paddled off on his own. Everything in its own time. Here he is swimming "all by myself" under noodle bridges held by the other toddler boys in his class at the local YMCA. I wasn't there in Russia to witness Danya's first baby steps. Hopefully the orphanage staff erupted with cheers. I did get to witness Danya's first doggie-paddle, solo, this past Saturday. A proud moment for him and me both.

Holding Baby Lilah

Suzuki

Violin! Danya eagerly practices at home, but will take not one suggestion from Mama. "No, no, no!" he insists. "Not like that!" It's his way or the highway... just like me with my mom, even now at age 48.

Blue Tresses

Dramatic. Beautiful. My boy with the blue tresses, a turtleneck Danya left clinging as he pulled it off over his head before bedtime. Note how he swings his "hair" so adeptly, so alluringly, my Russian diva.

"My Russia"

It's arrived sooner than I ever expected: Russia.

---
The scene: Bedtime, lights out, Daniil is lying in his striped pj's (with padded feet), tucked in under the covers in his little bed. We've just finished our good-night kisses and hugs. I lie in the big bed next to him, still fully dressed, expecting to sneak out of the room in a few minutes, once Danya falls asleep, to do the dishes and other evening chores.

Danya: Tommy said "My Russia." No, Danya's Russia.

Mama: Danya's Russia, not Tommy's?

Danya: Yes. (Pause) Mama Russia?
Mama: I went to Russia to find you.

Danya: I'm here!

Mama: I found you! That was the happiest day of my life.

Danya: I'm here! I found you!

Mama: We found each other. I'm the luckiest Mama in the world. I am your Mama forever and ever. And you are my son. Moy solnyshka.

Danya: Big hug. Squish me.

I lean down and over to Danya's bed. We embrace in a big bear hug.

---

Tommy, as I recall, is an older boy in Daniil's class at the Montessori School who also was adopted from Russia. I'm going to email the teacher to get details. And I'm going to talk with other adoptive parents about ways they've discussed adoption with very young children. I figured this would come up at age 6 or 7. My boy's ahead of the curve in many ways.

Daniil's Progress Report

Last week we returned to the International Adoption Center at Tufts Floating Hospital for Children. We paid our first visit in late September, after Danya had been home one month. So this was a 3-month check-in. They redid some basic tests and here are the results. Note that Daniil is 3 years, 7 months old right now.

Gross motor: No concerns whatsoever about his gross motor skills. They only measure up to a 3-year-old level and he tops out here just fine.

Fine motor: Daniil's FM skills have advanced 10 months over the past 3. His little fingers are now working at a 4 year old level.

Cognition: Daniil's cognitive abilities have advanced 20 months over the past 3. He thinks at a 54 month old level, like a 4.5 year old

Receptive Language: Advanced by 6 months over the past 3. Danya understands English like that of a 3 year old (this places him 7 months behind)

Expressive Language: Advanced by 11 months over the past 3. He speaks like an average 3 year+3month year old (4 months behind)

The doctors told me that they have never seen cognitive and fine motor jumps like this. They also noted that Daniil's quick, agile mind, full of thoughts, coupled with his delay in language, is a potential set-up for major frustration. I do note this at times at home when Danya can’t tell me exactly what he needs/wants and resorts to pushing or hitting me. In response, I ask him to use his words, remind him that hands are not meant for hitting, and ask, “What do you need/want, Danya?”

4 months home. In a brand new country. A brand new culture. With a brand new Mama, the first in memory. Learning a brand new language from square one. Living in a big house. Sleeping in a room with only one other person, not 15. Testing Mama's limits. Trusting Mama's love. Discovering chocolate-chip ice cream, and cats as living creatures with claws, and the joys of riding on a tall man's shoulders, and going to school for the first time, and what it means to have your very own Pop and Baba and Papa (my dad)...

Bravo, Daniil! Roaring applause, standing ovation

Quiet

I continue on the theme of finding me/finding peace in the midst of single motherhood. I checked out a book for Daniil from the library titled The Quiet Book by Deborah Underwood and sweetly illustrated by Renata Liwska. So many lines of this book take me to that meditative place Karen Langley wrote of (blog entry 1/3/11, Help When You Need It). The book leads off: "There are many kinds of quiet:" A single line of text then appears on each page under a whimsical drawing. Here are some of the lines that "take me there," to a clear, quiet place. (Since you don't have the benefit of an actual book in your hands and the chance to turn actual pages, I suggest that you try pausing for 5 seconds or more after each line to allow it to sink in and have its way with you.)




There are many kinds of quiet:

First one awake quiet
Don't scare the robin quiet
Coloring in the lines quiet
Hide-and-seek quiet
Last one to get picked up from school quiet
Swimming underwater quiet
Pretending you're invisible quiet
Lollipop quiet
Right before you yell "surprise!" quiet
Making a wish quiet
Best friends don't need to talk quiet
* Right before the concert starts quiet
First snowfall quiet
Car ride at night quiet
Tucking in teddy quiet
Bedtime kiss quiet
Sound asleep quiet

*my favorite