Attachment

Three weeks into Mamahood and I can't imagine life without Daniil. The "primay attachment" psychologists reference is indeed happening, on both our parts. My love for my son and amazement by him deepen day by day, minute by minute.

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I've been reading up on attachment, as this is such a big issue in many adoptions. Here's what Deborah Gray has to say, a celebrated "attachment therapist" from Portland, Oregon.

For children adopted beyond infancy, Mom and Dad should be the ones who do all the nurturing. Your new little one needs to experience you as the safe person who is sensitively meeting his or her needs. I generally make an exception for grandparents who hold a special place in the family. You can explain to other friends and family members: "My child is just learning what family is. Right now he thinks anyone could be Mom or Dad. We have been told to strictly limit visitors at first, and to be the only ones to provide his care, so he can start making a connection with us."

I watch Daniil struggle, especially with men, to figure out with whom and how to attach. Ove the past few weeks, I've had to step in on several occasions to ask people to take a big step back. There's the gas-station guy, for instance, who gives Daniil lollipops and invites him into the station--without my permission. The other day, he said to Daniil, holding out a bag of lollipops: "You are going to come to my house." Yikes! Although I think this guy is harmless, these words could come out of any predator's mouth, and of course Daniil, so innocent and unsure of the English language, would immediately comply. Needless to say, we don't visit this gas station any more. Then there are the family friends who visited and stayed overnight. Daniil became so attached to the husband, he refused to hold my hand. Afterwards, he went up to every man he saw, called him "Dea-dea" ("Uncle" in Russian), and asked to be picked up, including a repair man in the grocery store and a strange man in a cafe whom Daniil wanted to accompany to the bathroom. Another big yikes!

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One friend advises that I take Daniil to a male therapist. Her rationale is that Daniil needs to bond safely with a man over the course of a year or more. Great idea, but costly and likely hard to find a male psychologist who specializes in play therapy on Cape Cod. (I'll look around.) On an up note: Daniil is establishing a relationship with "Pop," my mom's husband Jerry, and this is a healthy and good thing. Right now the relationship is characterized mainly by goofiness: funny voices, funny faces, and the like. I'm sure it will evolve over time. And I sure wish my own father lived closer as he is great with kids and would be another safe male role model, very loving and sensitively attuned to Daniil's bright spirit. He will visit in a few weeks, so I'll get to see how the two hit it off. Perhaps the advent a new (and only) grandson will convince my Dad to move closer.